To My Dearest
by MyAshestoAshes
Summary: Botan and Hiei were never ment to be. To very different worlds that would not mix. Now all that's left of their romance are her letters.Tearful words he'll never know. ((I own nothing))((The quotes are actuall things that have been said to me))
1. Though Life

To My Dearest Love,

you know not of my longing nor the sorrow that I lock so deep inside my cold heart. The part that hurts the most is the sad truth. The fact that you know full well that you feel the same way about me. Wether you like it or not there is no denying your heart as there is no denying mine! You want me as much as I want you. You want to hear my voice and see my face as much as I want to share the pain you lock so deep inside! At least I am trying to make things rasier on us. At least I am honest to myself about the way I feel for you! I do not try to run away from what is killing my soul so deep inside. All you do is run and hide from the emotions that you should embrace. You hide in petty lies and decete. If hiding is all you wish to do then drag me down no longer. My heart cannot bear the sorrow of not being with you. I know that is what you want so forgive my heart for hoping and forgive my mind for thinking. It is just better to forget that terrible emotion that was once between our hearts. After all love is only in your head as well as mine. It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all but... perhaps... in our case, it would have been better to have never loved at all. I am sure that you agree with this. Alas, we did fall in love and now our hearts must pay for our sins. I know not how to make it all better but at least I am trying to find a way to solve this delema that has caused us so much pain.

Though Life Forbids

Love Always

Botan


	2. Though Heaven

To My Dearest Love,

You have no Idea how much that I miss you. You have no idea how I long to hold you close to me just once more. I have to push the pain down and every single day I see you or hear your name it gets harder not to burst into tears. The truth hurts more knowing that it is of your free will your pushing me away. What am I supposed to do? Forget you loved me? Forget I loved you? Forget the possiblities that I might have been with you? Am I really that confused? I just wish I knew what to do to keep you from pushin me away. Should I dissapear so that you can live? Should I be the one pushing you away? What is worse! These sorrow filled words that I write that I write to you shall never been seen by your soft, beautiful, sweet eyes. Oh dear my love! Oh my love! Pleast my love, don't let this be. I fear this is ending all to soon! Please please please my love! Don't let us fade into nothing. Out love is more than nothgin so please don't let it go! I beg you! This doesn't have to be the end of somethign beautiful if we both try harder. My words have fallen upon deaf eyes and blind eyes cannot see through the stones. My love... Don't leave me....

Though Heaven Forbids

Love Always

Botan


	3. Though Death

To My Dearest Love,

Everyday there is more emotion I can never let loose. Never.... tears that I would have only cried to you but you are no longer here for me. Oh, you know not what you do to me but I can see now... that you do not care what you are doing to me. When I think of that, I have to wonder if you ever cared at all. It is one of those many questions that I guess I will never have the answer to. After all, you don't care enough to give me the truth. You'd rather leave me hanging on to broken memories and dreams just so I could smile again. Why did I bother to cry for you?! Why do I let you get me down to this?! This is pointless and pathetic, writing love letter for blind eyes to never see. Maybe these letter are just so I can see that no matter what you have done to me I still love you. Never befor did one person make me think so much. It is time for me to stop thinking about what would never be. I knew it would come down to this, I warned you that it would! Now my broken heart is begging me to let you go but I do not want to let you go! Never never never!! It makes no sense why I feel this way. Still I know these words, pages of of love and eternal devotion, you shall never see because youu are dead to the world... but not to me. Your so very alive and killing me slowly as you fade away.

Even If Death Forbids

Love Always

Botan.


	4. Though You

To My Dearest Love,

Reasons! Is that all you are going to give me! Reasons that you can no longer speak to me face to face. Your written words are supposed to comfort me?! Words do not warm the cold night wind that blows in the window. Words are not your voice telling me that everything is going to be alright. Your words are nothing unless they come from your heart through your lips to my ears! Nothing! They are empty as my soul now that you are gone. Your reason so this pain is insane! You just wanted to make sure I didn't loose my smile in the future! That is not a real reason. So just tell me, what is the name of this other Woman that has stolen your heart from me. Tell me her name so I can warn her of your decete. Yout lies! The pain you so willingly inflicted upon my soul that I handed to you on a sliver platter! In the end this is my fault. If I had never fallen for such romantic, beautiful words! "I love you more than you can possible imagine". HA! All of it lies. You used me and I want to know why. So tell me! Explain yourself to me. Enlighten me. Don't leave anything out for the smile has long sense passed! There is no more. I will not agree to your broken promises! Never again!! But my heart tears away at me because even through all of this I love you still. This must not be some children's love this is the real thing and you are taking away what could have been! I'll never let you memory go but you can never repair the damage you have done! I'm broken and bleeding and you're walking away! I will not let you win. Two can play this game and I will never loose!

Though You Forbid

Love always.

Botan


	5. Though I

To My Dearest Love,

What is this?! Why would you do this to me. I begged you for years to tell me the truth and this was all I recived! "To You On My Soul, And On All Life On This Damn Planet, There's Noone Else... Noone At All... I'm Alone, As I Should Be. I Had Wished To Be Wish You... I Wanted To Bring You Your Smile... I Wanted So Much... That Clouded My Mind", and it's all lies. Every last your you've spoken to me has been a lie it has been in vain. You could never save me. You never wanted me anyways. You just wanted someone who didn't know your game. You picked my tourtured soul. Why me? There are so many other people out there are you chose me to torment and destroy. Does it thrill you, the pain of others? "I Don't Do This To Hurt You... I Do This Because If I Didn't I Would Kill You As Dead I Am!" I'm already dead. For years you've been killing me. You don't do it to hurt me! You've taken every last emotion I hold and Locked it away. I'm unable to feel the hurt you place on my sholders. I'm budened with so many words that I can't even begin to describe how much I'd love to kill you right now. If you died so would I. It's unfair! You play games with my heart, break it and I still long for you. The piece of my heart are so small you can fit 1,000 of them through the eye of a needle. Why do I let you win? Every time. No longer. I cannot take this suffering that you put my soul through. No longer!!

Though I Forbid

Love Always

Botan


	6. Though Love

To My Dearest Love,

The sad truth is that I will never speak to you again. I've left everything I've loved so you could be happy. After all, I know the truth. You've never Loved me. You Tried to let me down gently so where you weren't there I didn't hurt nor long for you. All I wanted was for you to tell me the truth. No matter what the truth may have been. "Will Always Love You... But This Is Not Your Fault... It's Mine For Having Such Clouded Thought At The Time And Falling For You." What was so wrong about falling for me? I've done everything you've ever asked! I've made promises to you and kept them and this is how you treat me! Was every word you've ever said to me a lie? Every every promise you made broken and empty? Will I ever have your lips touching mine and your eyes finally softening as they gaze into mine ever again? God I miss you so! Every second drags on for eternity! I told you that I'd understand your worries and never ask if you didn't want to talk about it. I know you had a rough past but you have to put the past behind or you'll never have a future! Even so, you'll never have a future with me. I wished to be with you more than life itself! To ease your wearyness, to put life back in your heart! You weren't a cold shell when you were with me.... Why does that have to change? What kind of lips do you have, they lied to me with every kiss. They whispered empty words of love that has left me so alone. But I can't stop loving you! Even if I died or the world ended I could never stop myself from loving you! You've got the skin that I love to touch and the arms to hold me tight. I feel so safe when I'm in your arms! But be honest, who are they around tonight? Does she love you like I do? Is she even able to love you like I do, accepting of all your faults? I wish I could make you come back to me, but I can't do that. Your will is as strong as mine and this must be how it ends I guess. These letters will not ever end! Someday you'll see them, someday you'll know, but not now. Your to blind to see what these words mean. Until you live to the world again...

Though You Forbid

Love Always

Botan


	7. Till Death

To My Dearest Love,

Do you know how hard it is to see your face? You must not know because you don't see me. You don't hear my voice when I call to you. You just walk right by. I'm so broken I could barley get out of bed to write this letter to your blind eyes. This time, every last letter I'll leave for you. My tears smuge these words because of me.... Because I could not push you away. Because I let you touch my heart. Because I let you in! My love I'm leaving. I'm leaving these letter for you so you know how I feel about you and how I always will! In live...or death. I'll never forget those painfilled eyes that captured me. Please, never forget me.

I fear by the time you see these sorrow filled love letters I'll be to far gone. This time you cannot even try to save me. If you ever wonder why I am gone, know it's because I couldn't take the chance of seeing your sweet face again and reliving the heartache and the sorrow. My eyes can't hold the tears but my silence can hold the screams. Forgive me my love and Goodbye. I hope you are happier now that I am gone.

Til Death Brings Us Together Again,

Love Always

Forever True

Botan


	8. Farewell

To My Dearest Love,

How long has it been since I have written a letter? It has been a while since I really thought of you and what once was, well, almost was. The days have started to return to me.I can enjoy a beautiful day now, stop and smell the roses. Everytime, I can't help but wonder how you are and what your doing these days. It's been three years since the last letter. Since the memories hurt me. Three years since I've seen you. I know that I never intend to send any of these letters to you, but I want you to know how much I miss you. I don't understand how you of all people could have hurt me to bad. Life goes on and I am starting to see that now. I'm sure I'll never have all the pieces of my heart back. I left them with you when we said goodbye for the last time. I will never be able to truly love another man. The pain of what happened between us turned my heart cold. No love lives in that deserted land, except the love of you. How silly of me. Going on like this... Trying to bring back some hope of the past. It's been three years since I saw you. It's been three years since I learned of your death. There is no hope from the past. I must let go. Maybe that's why I sat down and started writing this letter today. To try and let go of you. We could have been together again, the very thing that forbid us from our love is gone! How could you just leave me like this!? Leave me when hope was just around the corner! You've never lost a fight before! Why did you have to loose one now?! Why couldn't you have left me with the pieces of my heart so I could love again?! This is the last letter I can bare to write. Once I am finished with this one I will burn them all, maybe the remainder of my love will reach you. As long as you know I never stopped loving you, never never never. I can live with that. I wish I could live without you. I love you forever...

Till we meet again my love.


End file.
